What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 07:07
So, i spoilt her more .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He knew the spot.
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My life is so biszare .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was seconnd youngest,
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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What did i know ?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is soul school!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Can you show pictures of your penis, big or small?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It was going to be , some day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Ive learnt so much.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why did i forgive my father ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I have no regrets .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When she asked me how she looked .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was 9 years of age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Comes on , in middle age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I will be 64.
So whats the point in blame.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But ive been too sick for many years..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I waited trembling.
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
Im still living with it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Put me off passion for life!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
All the time i was locked up.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was scared of men, in general
Who then, do I blame.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was in good health!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot live in the past .
But it wasn’t much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My family never makes their pension either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She found it foreign!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.